How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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