i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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