If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
