Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
