No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Randomize
