she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Randomize
