just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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