I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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