he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Randomize
