walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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