No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
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