Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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