I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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