So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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