I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
