Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
