my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
How does one acquire holy water?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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