she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
