I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
