There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
