Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
