Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
