I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
