Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
