i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
