before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
