He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
