I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
