so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
