By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
