ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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