4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
