Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
