i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
