When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
