who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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