Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
