careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
