cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
