So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Randomize
