apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
birth control should be required to get into college
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize
