My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
