whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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