The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
