best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
