im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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