Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
