he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
my shit smells like andre
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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