i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
