woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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