Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
