Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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