Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
