so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
