I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
My day in three words: secret purse cake
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
