instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
